dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
