My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
