I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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