I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
