Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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