this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
