My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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