Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
