remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
