i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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