He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
