i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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