So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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