cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
