sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
