I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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