hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
