Say something about gay babies.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
