That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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