my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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