YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
