Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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