did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Randomize
