She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
