No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
