I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
