She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
