Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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