There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Randomize
