Pregnant stripper...not hot.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
