Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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