when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Randomize
