Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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