I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
