It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
