you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
