and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Randomize
