ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
