you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
