and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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