it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
