I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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