apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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