My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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