so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
