i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
