Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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