at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I did not marry a roomba.
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