So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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