Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
