can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
