apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
