Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
