My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I forget how to act sober
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
