does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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